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Episode 453: The Grotto of Gains
"The Grotto of Gains" was originally released April 1, 2019. Description Wow, oh boy, do we hope you love benign observational humor. Oh jeez. We’ve really put all our chips down on benign observational humor, and if that doesn’t pay off—yikes! We’re gonna lose our shirts! Suggested talking points: PGA Street Ball, Owl Trust, Bug Armor, Emergency Greeting Card, Jacked Triton, A Wet Edible Aggro Crag, Candy Boss, The Ravioli Beast Outline 0:45–Griffin's doing a sketch. Griffin is afraid of the PGA Tour in his town. 5:30–I work in wildlife rehabilitation. One weekend at this job, I was cleaning one of the owls' enclosures, and when I turned to leave she attacked the back of my head. She didn't draw blood, but I definitely felt her talons graze my scalp. It was startling as fuck, and since then, the owl and I have had a strained relationship. I feel like she hates me. How do I learn to trust this animal again?–Living in Fear in Louisiana 9:52–Y–Sent in by Drew Davenport, from Yahoo Answers user Nono, who asks: Why don't scientists make military armor from bug shells? Bugs have hard shells that scientists can backwards engineer manufacture in their laboratories. If you take a bug and you make the bug as large as a human or even bigger no gun would penetrate the shell. Also shells from bugs can be regenerated imagine having armor that can regenerate itself. 15:00–I was at my coworker's birthday. We're not super close, but it's civil. I gave her a birthday card I keep in my glovebox for emergencies. It had "love you lots!" on the front in gold letters. I didn't think it was weird, I just thought the design was pretty. When she read the front, she said, "Whoa, I didn't know you felt that way! Really stepping up this relationship!" How do I live in this atmosphere I've created?–Platonic Proposal in Chicago 26:19–Y–Sent in by a few folks, from Yahoo Answers user Fritz, who asks: How did King Triton get so buff? He lived underwater where there's no resistance, how did he get so buff? 32:56–MZ–Sponsored by (Justin plays Seinfeld sounds) Casper, Stamps.com. Advertisement for Go Fact Yourself. 38:02–Fake Munch Squad to shut up Griffin that turns into a real Munch Squad - Dunkin's Peeps Coffee and Peeps Donut and Carl's Jr.'s Truffle Burger and Truffle Fries 45:17–I recently started working in an office setting. I only work there three days a week and I am a graduate student, so I'm not close with the full time staff. There's a small basket of candy that sits near the secretary, and I pass it every day on my way in. I grab a few pieces throughout the day. My question is, how many pieces is too many? I feel bad taking too many, as I'm not full time staff, and also as a graduate student it's hard to pass up free candy. Do I cut back on the candy? Do I just sneakily take more at one time? Do I create a diversion to draw the secretary's attention so they know it's not me depleting the resources?–Morgan 48:56–Dear brothers: I recently started working in a pasta factory on the ravioli line. This job would be perfect for me except for one thing: I can't stop thinking of eating the uncooked raviolis as they move past me. The worst is when I have to stand there on the line and make sure no defective one gets past. I have come so close to stuffing my pockets and getting the hell out of that sinner's paradise. I can't sneak a bite or I'll shortly be caught. Please tell me how to sedate the ravioli monster inside of me or how to sneakily get my fill.–Randy for Ravioli 58:26–Housekeeping 1:01:42–FY–Sent in by a couple folks, from Yahoo Answers user Jomp, who asks: Why does frying tomatoes turn them green? Quotes "I'm recording this on Sydnee's birthday, and Charlie asked, my four-year-old daughter asked what I got Sydnee, so I showed her this gift certificate that I got. And it was really more of one of the things they email you. I got her, I sponsored a baby incubator for a nation in crisis where they don't have access to medical care, and I thought, "Well, that would be a lovely gift, my wife would really appreciate that." And I'm showing this, it's got a picture of the baby incubator and everything on the thing, and I'm showing this all to Charlie and explaining it to her, and I finish this whole explanation and she took like three beats and said "Why would she want this?" "Well, sweetie, she doesn't, she's not gonna..." She said "Mommy doesn't even have a baby! She won't like this!" "But it's a gift-" "But it's her birthday!"–Justin "You gotta sleep! And have sex! And there's only one place where both of those things are cool! And it's not just for couches any more! Someone invented beds, and it's Casper! Casper's invented beds! It's a sleep brand that continues to revolutionize its line of products! Now they have beds and you can sleep on 'em one night at a time! They're perfectly designed for humans! No dogs allowed on these fuckin' beds!"–Justin Category:Episodes Category:Munch Squad Category:Drew Davenport